Hitting a Landmark

Earlier this morning, I realized I've hit a landmark in my life.

I have achieved the eradication of my double chin.

I was masturbating to myself in the mirror when I noticed something was different. I looked more angular, and it wasn't because I was trying a particularly difficult vikram yoga position while banging myself with a spoon. After several minutes, it dawned on me. I have managed to lose enough weight to make my double chin disappear.

Yes, I know. I'm far from my goal of having the nubile body of a 17-yo college jock... beside me when I wake up every morning. But, this is certainly a step towards it. Through smart choices, intense cardio work-outs, and just a few lines of coke, I was able to achieve it. No visible abs yet, true. But at least my soft middle is no longer compartmentalizing itself into three sections when I sit to nibble on my toe nails.

So, with these recent achievements in my weight loss program, I've decided that I'm conceited enough to share a few tips.



First: weight loss is more apparent first on the face. You can not target fat clusters like you would when you're attacking a religion. Fat dissolves on a global scale, and the first reservists to go are the ones on your face.

When eating out, I regress to times when I've eaten better food. This way, I stop my brain from telling me to indulge. Faced with the choice of having a fat, juicy burger or eating sawdust, I talk myself into rejecting the hamburger: "Hey, fat boy, remember that burger you had 4 years ago? Yeah, remember how awesome that was? You don't need to eat that shit now, you've already experienced the best. Go munch on those sawdust. It's not like you've had those before, yeah?" See, hunger is psychological, and years of living with malignant narcissism has taught me one thing: Your crazies is YOUR crazies; manage them before they drive you nuts.

I fill myself up with water. The human body, like the planet Earth, is composed mostly of water. Another thing that's made up mostly of water: water. I stopped drinking soda when I realized just how much sugar and acid carbonated drinks have. It helps a lot, and you get to trick your stomach from sending those text messages to your brain about being hungry.

COFFEE. I drink coffee on an empty stomach before I do my cardio exercise in the morning. Caffeine speeds up metabolism. To supercharge your cardio work-out, supplement your coffee fix with l-carnitine. L-carnitine helps in fat oxidation, making your cardio work-out more effective. After eating, take green tea.

I don't believe in cheat days. I don't believe in dedicating an entire day in the week to cheat. That's like having a wife, and spending the weekends in bed with her sister. Instead, I do justified indiscretions. Before I digress from my diet, I work out the ramifications and justifications in my head: "If I eat this now, do I get to burn it off tonight? Do I have an extra half an hour to sweat this out of my system? What if I eat this because I was totally pissed at that kid who wouldn't sidestep at the escalator? I believe I can down this martini, after all, it's not like I see my friends from grade school every day." IF I can justify it in my head, then I'll do it and won't feel an ounce (or a gram) of guilt. It's like having a wife, and then doing her Uncle Ned coz, you know, it's not like Uncle Ned's always in town, and the guy's like, what, 70, and he bought you beer. So.

Stay tuned for more!