0969-000-WANK

"I'm watching porn right now," said the gruff voice over the line when I picked up the call. It's 3 in the morning, and the caller ID says it was my friend Jayvee.

I flopped back to bed. "There's blood in my stool," I replied, thinking we were playing some sharing game with rules that we'd be making up as we go along. I decided I was too sleepy to play along. "Good night."

Jayvee called again. "Why did you drop the line? I said I'm watching porn."

"Are you... Is this a dirty phone call?" Jayvee and I had been friends since high school. Although the prospect of phone sex with another man is somewhat titillating, I had no intention of doing it with Jayvee who practically nursed on the same breasts that nourished me, which is to say, his mother, our 3rd year Chemistry teacher. Also, he was fat. I had always imagined my first phone sex with another man to be with Ryan Reynolds, or someone really old but ridiculously rich, like Hugh Hefner, or 70-year old me from the future on one of those time-crossing mobile phones of 2052. "Please tell me you're watching gay porn, because the only thing that would make this phone call weirder-er is if you're watching Slutty Slitz, and one of the Japanese lolita girls reminded you of me."

"No," he said, sounding disgusted. I was offended. Jayvee once had helped their dog masturbate, and for him to take that tone of disgust with the idea of having phone sex with me says something about how he perceived I would rank in his Fuckability Ladder.  

The Todo Seks Fitness Program (aka Mark Herras's Guide to Losing Weight)

Like any other person who went through a stack of Nancy Drew books as a teenager, you won't go blind from masturbating too much. In fact, in a recent Men's Health issue, there's no such thing as too much.

There is a co-relation, though, between sex and weight loss.

Alright, maybe there isn't. Yet. But one can easily be made when you think about how studies are pointing to intercourse as an effective calorie burner.

Sex is a physical activity. Locomotion and muscle action is involved. As such, when you do it over and beyond the act of reproducing your DNA, then it's technically a work-out.

Thus, one day, I went to our local gym, and proposed the most revolutionary work-out program ever deviously devised by yours truly. I'm calling it the "Todo Seks Fitness Program", and I would very much like it if Mark Herras can endorse.

Hitting a Landmark

Earlier this morning, I realized I've hit a landmark in my life.

I have achieved the eradication of my double chin.

I was masturbating to myself in the mirror when I noticed something was different. I looked more angular, and it wasn't because I was trying a particularly difficult vikram yoga position while banging myself with a spoon. After several minutes, it dawned on me. I have managed to lose enough weight to make my double chin disappear.

Yes, I know. I'm far from my goal of having the nubile body of a 17-yo college jock... beside me when I wake up every morning. But, this is certainly a step towards it. Through smart choices, intense cardio work-outs, and just a few lines of coke, I was able to achieve it. No visible abs yet, true. But at least my soft middle is no longer compartmentalizing itself into three sections when I sit to nibble on my toe nails.

So, with these recent achievements in my weight loss program, I've decided that I'm conceited enough to share a few tips.